Have you ever been told to “smile more”? I have.
I don’t remember the first time it happened, but I know it was during a moment when smiling wasn’t at all how I felt. Maybe it was at church, getting in trouble for not sitting still and being quiet, followed by a spanking in the parking lot and then being told to plaster on a smile as I walked back inside. These moments stand out to me because they taught me to cover my real emotions with a “pretty mask.”
Being told to smile when I wasn’t happy was confusing and stifling, a message that who I was in that moment wasn’t okay. For me, it created an external persona of a bubbly, smiling girl—one who appeared approachable and pleasant to avoid confrontation. But deep down, it left me wondering what was real.
The Burden of Being Told
to Smile
I know I’m not alone in this. Most women I know have similar stories—being told to smile by strangers, family members, or even bosses. And for many women, especially those in my family, these moments weren’t met with the same compliance I adopted. I watched other women push back, rolling their eyes or simply refusing. It’s these women, I think, who’ve earned the label of “Resting Bitch Face” (RBF).
But let’s unpack that term for a moment.
When women wear their natural, neutral expressions, society often reads it as angry, annoyed, or unapproachable. And yet, when men walk around with a neutral face, it’s just…their face. No one questions it.
RBF: A Rebuttal to
“Smile More”?
I’ve wondered if RBF is an unconscious response to all those “smile more” comments. Is it a shield, a quiet rebellion against the expectation that women must always be pleasant and pretty? Or is it simply a neutral face, misinterpreted by a society uncomfortable with women who aren’t performing happiness?
I don’t have RBF myself, but I’ve always been hyper-aware of facial expressions. I’ve had to decipher them, wondering if the smile someone gave me was real or if their upset face masked something deeper. This constant decoding has shaped my belief in emotional authenticity—allowing people to feel and show what’s true for them without judgment.
Why Are Women Expected to Smile?
Let’s call this what it is: control.
Being told to smile more is a way of making others comfortable, of shaping women into something more palatable. It reinforces the idea that women exist to make others feel at ease, even at the expense of their own authenticity.
And the cost is high. When women are forced to mask their emotions, they lose touch with what’s real. It’s exhausting to perform happiness, to pretend everything’s fine when it’s not.
Neutral Place, Neutral Face
What if we reframed RBF as a neutral face—a reflection of a neutral state? A face that isn’t performing for anyone, just existing in its natural, relaxed form?
Joy will show itself. When someone is happy, their face will reflect it. They don’t need to be told to smile. And when someone isn’t happy, why should they have to hide that?
Setting Boundaries With Compassion
I once overheard patrons at a bar telling a bartender to “smile more” and asking if she liked being called “darling” or “sweetie.” I can only imagine how draining it must be to work in that kind of environment, where your face and demeanor are constantly scrutinized.
My thought was, “why not call her by her name? And does her smile effect the taste of your food?? No!”
For those of us who’ve been on the receiving end of these comments, setting boundaries can help. You don’t have to over-explain or apologize. A simple, polite response like, “This is just my face—it’s a good one, isn’t it?” can set the tone without confrontation.
Embracing Your True Face
I love looking in the mirror and exploring all my expressions—not just the ones society approves of. Anger, sadness, confusion, joy—each one is a part of me, and I celebrate them all.
If you’ve been told to smile more or have your own story about RBF, I’d love to hear from you. Join the conversation in my Self Care Social Squad Facebook group and share your experience. Let’s normalize neutral faces, authentic emotions, and the beauty of being exactly who we are.
Together, we can reclaim our truth—and our faces, whether resting or smiling ☺️
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